Martinisms III

It's been more than a year since I last wrote a post about how my husband keeps me laughing, and since what's going on in the world these days is just too heavy to write about, I thought it was time for another installment of Martinisms.

Here is my sometimes sardonic, dark-humored, witty Swabian husband on...

Swabian Frugality

I was reading one of my many books about Swabians and the Swabian dialect, and I commented:

    B: "This book is so old, "a Zehnerle" is translated as "ein 10-Pfennig-Stück."*

    M: "Well, Swabians still have plenty of those."

*the Pfennig was the currency (coin) in Germany before the Euro came to circulatory life in 2002.

source

Healthcare

After seeing a preview to a doctor drama TV show...

    B: "Ooh, that would be nice, waking up to a doctor as good-looking as that leaning over me!"

    M: "Sure, until you find out he only treats privately-insured patients."

Dr. Gonzo Gates (Gregory Harrison) - I had a major crush on him
in my youth.  Photo from Pinterest

Wordless Martinism

M was grilling, and I was sitting at the patio table reading a book.

    B: "I'd like you to know that I just had a question I decided not to ask because I'm not supposed to chit-chat by the grill."

    (M grins but is otherwise silent.  Silence.  More silence. I read on for a moment.)

    B: "You should also know that I'm not at all surprised that you did not just now ask what my question was."

Bucket Lists

Every now and then we discuss things that have to be done with the house in case I outlive M. There are tons of things he takes care of that I don't have a clue about and need to learn!

    M: "We have to pay property taxes."

    B:  "That's not automatic? How often?"

    M: "Every 3 months. I can probably set that up to be automatic."

    B:  "Take care of that before...you know..."

    M: "Ok, can you put that on my bucket list?"

    B:  "That's not exactly what a bucket list is for."

Biblical Geography

Every now and then we have a Biblical dispute.

    B:  "Jesus was crucified at Calvary."

    M: "No, it was Golgatha."

    B:  "No, really, it WAS Calvary. I left the church long after you did*, and I know this."

Turns out Calvary is Golgatha. Who knew?

*In Germany if you declare being of a specific religion, you pay a church tax (8% of one's income tax in our state), so I abnegated the whole business.

Stadtkirche, Esslingen

Latin

I was reading a book in which this Latin phrase appeared, and I know M took Latin in school...

    B:  "Do you know what 'Caput tuum in ano est' means?"

    M:  [ponders...]  "Head of yours, in ass is."  [Your head is up your ass.]

    B:  "No way! How do you say, 'Head of HIS, in ass is'?"

    M: "Hm...'Caput suum in anus est.'  No wait!  '...in ANO est.' Because it's locative."

    B:  "Of course it is."   (Thinks: "What the hell is 'locative'?")

Anger Management

While snacking on a fresh warm pretzel with butter (Butterbrezel):

    M: "I don't know how you Americans manage without being able to have a Butterbrezel every now and then."

          [Munch, munch]  "That's probably why you need guns."

Apologies

While watching some TV show in which work had stopped because one character refused to apologize for something...

    B: "Why on earth wouldn't the guy just say 'I'm sorry' if that's what it takes to move on and get a job done?"

    M: "It makes our balls shrivel to apologize to another alpha male."

Sharing

    B: "There's been quite a bit of drama lately that I haven't told you about. Your mom will assume you know about it, 

           though, so if you want, on the way to Esslingen I can tell you."

    M: "Or I can just shake my head knowingly."

Pretty Little Lies

We had a darling little hedgehog visit our house last year, and when we saw him the second time, I named him George. During a particularly cold spell at the end of April after it snowed...

    B:  "Poor George! His toes must be cold! He could have died from the cold."

    M: "Yes, he could have."

    B:  [with a shocked, indignant look] "That's not what you're supposed to say!"

    M: "Uh, oh....sorry. I....he...I'm sure he's fine."

George

Marital Bliss

A few weeks ago we attended the wedding of one of M's employees. At the beginning of the ceremony, when the lad was standing in front of the church waiting for his bride to appear....

  

    B:  (feeling all sentimental) "I wonder if he'll cry."

    M: "Well, sooner or later, he will."

Sonntagsruhe

On a Sunday while M was at the office briefly, I vacuumed the kitchen floor. He came home in the middle of my crime.

    M: "What will the neighbors think?! Vacuuming with the windows open on Sunday..."

    B:  "Look, if I have a dirty floor on a Sunday, I'm going to sweep my floor on a Sunday."

    M: "No one would object if you'd swept the floor..."

I have a Word document where I save all these gems, and it's 8 pages long by now! Some of them are...ähm...not for public viewing, and others I've censored out because you really have to know us well to understand why I can laugh at some of his comments. The most important thing, though, is that we laugh a lot together and enjoy each day.


I hope you have a good laugh today!!


For more of his humor:
  Martinisms I
  Martinisms II

Another Swabian Compliment

I've written about Schwäbische Komplimente before, and I assume my readers trust me that I wasn't exaggerating. M dished out a spontaneous one the other evening that I thought I would share.

Let me premise it by saying that M doesn't really enjoy baked chicken for dinner. It's not that he doesn't like chicken, but more that it isn't a juicy steak. I like making it, though, because it's a meal I can do without any help from him, I can start it in the late afternoon so it will be ready by the time he gets home from the office, and the recipe I use is very easy, resulting in tender, juicy chicken every time. What's also great about it is that I can use the leftover chicken for a pasta salad or quesadillas the next evening and make a broth out of the carcas. But to M it's still "just chicken".

source

While I was teaching the DaF class for the past few months, I wasn't home in the afternoons and therefore couldn't make any roasts or meals that required lots of prep. When he playfully grumbled about the time I was taking in the evenings planning lessons and writing worksheets, I'd usually say, "Well, look on the bright side - at least you don't have to eat chicken!"

Now the class is finished, and I'm back to planning meals like I have for the past 3 years. Last week one of those meals was baked chicken, potatoes, and glazed carrots. M crinkled up his nose and I said, "Bet you wish I were still teaching, don't you?"

After the meal he very genuinely thanked me for cooking, and added:

"Since we haven't had chicken in so long, it wasn't even....."

He let the rest of his Swabian compliment disintegrate into the wind with a sheepish grin, but his meaning was clear. To be honest, I hadn't expected such high praise!

He accepts that I will bake a chicken for dinner every now and then, and I accept that he doesn't love it like many of the other meals we make. Since Spargelsaison opens tomorrow, we're about to spoil ourselves royally, and there won't be another chicken on our table for quite a while.

Bring on the Spargel!!

Bully Herbig und der Schuh des Manitu

When I read that fellow American expat blogger, Adventures of La Mari, was pondering a post about Michael "Bully" Herbig, I contacted her and tossed about the idea of tag-teaming a few posts about his work from the point-of-view of a couple of Americans. She wrote a great introduction to Bully and I started contemplating how I could follow up.

Bully has recently taken over the ads for Haribo Gummibärchen from Thomas Gottschalk, another famous German TV personality, and that transition was fun:

For those whose German is shaky, Bully says he's not sure about taking this job because he's never done commercials before... Gottschalk tells him to think about it and leaves the room. When he pops his head back in, he asks Bully. "Everything ok?" Bully says, "I'm still thinking about it."

Humor is usually a tricky thing, especially cross-culturally. I've heard and read so often that Germans don't have a sense of humor, but that is so completely untrue. To a German not everything "is the funniest thing ever"; their humor is often more subtle, which is probably why their humor is missed by many of my Landsleute.

But not so with Bully's three most popular movies, which La Mari mentioned in her post. These are spoofs of films that are well-known in Germany (ok, Star Trek & Star Wars are known almost worldwide), and I decided to write a little about my favorite of the three - der Schuh des Manitu, or Manitu's Shoe.

No child growing up in Germany can reach the age of 12 without knowing who Winnetou was. Winnetou was a fictional noble hero and son of the chief of the Apaches, who is once saved by and becomes blood brother to Old Shatterhand, a greenhorn from "the south". He got his name because he could knock a guy out with one punch. His rifle had a name, too - Bärentöter (Bearkiller), because...well, you know. The stories were first a collection of novels written by the German writer Karl May (1842-1912), who never got further west in the USA than St. Louis. Through Winnetou German boys learn that "ein Indianer kennt keinen Schmerz!" (an Indian knows no pain!"). They learn about doing one's duty, being honorable and fearless even in the face of death, and protecting one's womenfolk. I asked M if he had a crush on Nscho-Tschi, Winnetou's virtuous and beautiful sister, and he said, "Oh sure. Everyone did."

My students affectionately called her Nacho Cheese, because her name
is pronounced "N'Cho-chee"

If you haven't seen any of the  Winnetou movies, you can still get a laugh watching Schuh des Manitu if you've seen a few westerns. You'll miss the language puns and jokes aimed directly at Winnetou, but here's the bigger issue - it's just not as funny in English. The "Extra Large" DVD has an English track, but a third of the fun of the original is Ranger's Bavarian (ähm...southern) dialect. Those who dubbed the voices into English sound like midwesterners. 

Some of the funny bits still work, like this one:

But if your German is ok, this clip is a good example of where the humor is lost in translation:

I can't tell you how many times M has used the lines, "dann morgen hamma koan Stress mehr" and "Ich bin mit der G'samtsituation unzufrieden."

Here it is in English:

The meaning of the original text is there, but it's just not as funny. This commenter (Addison DeWitt) on IMDb explains the problem really well. Monty Python doesn't work in a language other than English because much of the humor comes from word puns and cultural quirks of the Brits, and Mel Brooks' films lose much their humor when dubbed into German. Dramas, mysteries, action and suspense films work well enough when dubbed. But comedy is too closely connected to culture and language to be simply translated or dubbed.

Films are very useful tools for learning about culture and language. I used films in the German classes I taught at all levels - with English subtitles for the lower levels and German subtitles for the upper levels. There were always memorable lines that the students retained, even as simple as Ranger and Abahatschi's greeting, "Servus!" (Bavarian for "Howdy!!"):

Der Schuh des Manitu is a real gem and loads of fun. It gets a bit silly at the end as spoofs often do, but I think the plot is easy enough to follow even if you miss some of the dialog.

Back to you, La Mari!

Martinisms II

I think it's time for another round of Martinisms. As I've written before, my husband makes me laugh. A LOT. He lets fly with his Swabian wit and sardonic sense of humor pretty much every day, although he's not trying to be funny. I know readers can't get his tone of voice with a post like this, which is half the fun, but I just can't resist.

So here's Round II. My Swabian husband on...

Cats

Discussing his business partner's cat, who doesn't do one useful thing I'm aware of...

M: "Most cats sleep something like 20 hours a day."

B: "Barn cats don't! Melissa's barn cats do all kinds of stuff, and kill mice!"

M: "Yeah, every now and then they get up to appear busy."

doing what he does best

A Free Evening

B: "So, what are we going to do tonight?"

M: "You could watch your documentary."

B: "The one your mom told me about? About Friedrich II of Prussia?"

M: "Right."

B: "But what will you do?"

M: "I'll just be sad."

Talent

Discussing the young lad who gets cast for the role in the musical Tarzan, which we saw in Stuttgart...

M: "That must be tough. They have to find a young boy who can sing well and won't throw up when it's stuck to the ceiling."

Anatomy

Lying in bed discussing the fact that my skin was cold (I'm pretty much cold all the time)...

B: "Your skin is often cold, too."

M: "No it tisn't."  (British accent, remember)

B: "Yes it is. It's cold right now."

M: "It doesn't matter. My skin knows its purpose."

B: "And what is that?"

M: "To keep my bowels* from spilling out."                *guts

Guest Martinism I

In Vienna, sitting in a cafe with my Schwiegermutter, "P"...

B: "What was the name of that third museum we could have seen with the Globe and Papyrus Museums? It sounded like a Mexican guy's last name. Oh, I got it! Esperante!"
P (Giggling): "That's not a guy's last name, B. It's Esperan-TO. That was a language which was developed to possibly become a universal language."
B: "Oh...right. Now that museum sounds much more interesting."

Social Life

Talking about a couple we are acquainted with who owns a restaurant...

B: "They're such great people. It would be fun to be friends with them. But I guess they can't have much free time, running a successful restaurant."

M: "Well, that's perfect then. They can't have a social life, and we don't want one."

Health

I was being rather dramatic because of a zit on my face...

B: "Wirst du mich noch lieben, auch wenn ich die Pest habe?"  ("Will you still love me even if I have the plague?")

M: "Well, I won't love you for long, but yes."

Botany

Discussing our climbing climatis plants looking a bit dried up...

M: "They haven't been getting much water lately."

B: "They got a ton of water when it rained last week!"

M: "And you ate well a week ago Sunday."

B: "Hm. Good point."

Guest Martinism II

In Esslingen with my Schwiegermutter looking at the cute little swan babies paddling around in the canal...

B: "They're so cute!"

P: "They sure are. Hope the river rats don't get 'em this year."

swimming lesson in the Neckar canal

Family Psychology

After relating the above guest Martinism to M...

B: (laughing) "What is wrong with you people?!"

M: "We're serial realists."

The City of Love

Hearing that my daughter suggested Paris as a possible mother-daughter trip destination for last December...

M: "You go to Paris with your fiance, not your mother. You know. 'City of Love' and all that. So they can walk hand-in-hand along the Seine and get robbed by a local thug."

Nature

B: Asks some question about nature - probably about birds or lions or something.
M: "I don't know."
B: "Why don't you know that?"   (Seriously, the amount of stuff he does know is astonishing.)
M: "Because I'm not Dr. Bloody Bronowski."

Scenery

While on a walk one day through a residential neighborhood, seeing a woman's bum as she bent over working in her garden...

M: "See, that's why you crouch down while doing yardwork. It's easier on your back and on innocent passersby."

Perhaps you had to be there, and perhaps his sense of humor wouldn't suit you. But damn, he keeps me laughing! I hope to heaven you have someone in your life too, who can make you laugh just by being him- or herself.

For more:
Martinisms I
Martinisms III

Life in the Schwabenland

You know you're acclimating into life in Swabia when...

• your collection of books about your [adopted] Heimat and its people continues to grow.


• on a winter's day when your house feels uncommonly cold, instead of turning up the heat you don long johns* and ski socks.
  *Long johns are called "lange Unterhose" (long underpants) or "Liebestöter" (love killers) in German.


• that same evening you light 12 tea candles in the living room in decorative candle holders because, even if they don't actually warm up the room, it seems warmer.


• you snort in disgust in grocery stores in the U.S. when you see "Black Forest ham" in packages from Oscar Meyer, knowing full well what Schwarzwälder Schinken is and should look and taste like.


• you grow concerned when your wine cellar is down to five bottles.


• you have a conversation with your husband one evening about saure Kutteln (tripe, or stomach/intestinal lining of cows or pigs), Blutwurst (blood sausage), Niere (kidneys), and Hirnsuppe (brain soup), which were not unheard of meals when he was a child.


• you get extra excited about a present that has two useful purposes - like a weekly calendar whose pages become postcards when you tear them off on Monday morning!


• you hear a joke about how frugal the Swabians are (see below), but you wonder what's so funny about it since being frugal seems to be a very good idea.


• you understand the prepositions 'nonder, 'nauf, and 'nei.


• you feel dreadfully guilty on Sunday morning when you realize you forgot to sweep your sidewalk and the road in front of your house the day before (this is not to be done on Sundays).


• you mean what you say and you do what you say you will do - without fail.


• although you are pretty frugal and strive not to waste money or food, you are willing to cough up the cash for a good bottle of wine and/or an occasional good meal out. You can do this because you save in other ways.


• you want a Butterbrezel from the bakery but you buy a regular pretzel instead - saving 20 cents - take it home, slice it open, and put the butter on yourself.


• two of your language teachers are called Äffle and Pferdle. It's from these guys that you learned what "Mei Uhr isch hee" means.

source

• although you find beautiful every part of Germany you have visited, you wouldn't want to live anywhere else.

Swabian jokes:

Winegrower Carl and his wife Caroline emptied the contents of their cess pool into two barrels (to use as fertilizer) and carried them up to the top of their hillside vineyard. Then Carl tripped and the contents of his barrel spilled over the retaining wall. "Oh, oh," Caroline wailed, "you idiot! We spent half the winter shitting for nothing!*

Football/Soccer match in a Swabian village: To decide sides, the referee tossed a coin into the air. 2000 people were injured.


*Your Swabian Neighbors. Larson, Bob. Stuttgart: Schwaben International Verlag, 1981.

Martinisms

I have loved M's sense of humor for many years. He is sarcastic, witty, dark at times, never cheesy, and keeps me laughing. I don't mind being the target of his humor occasionally, because I'm a realist. I believe that at the root of most humor lies some truth.

Not long after I moved to Germany I started a compilation of "Martinisms" - things he has said that make me laugh. I suppose in some cases, "you had to be there". And if you are one of those who can't laugh at yourself, you'll wonder why I laughed at some of his replies. But I can laugh at myself and my quirks, and I never doubt that he loves me.

In the hopes that you can find a chuckle in here somewhere, here is my dear husband on....

Romance

M: "I love you."
B (simultaneously): "I'm cold."
M: "I guess we both have our issues."

Cat-Sitting

M: "I'll be right back."
B:  "I can go with you."
M: "No, I'll be faster alone."
B:  "Well, don't walk too fast, or you'll have a heart attack."
M: "At least then I won't have to take care of the cat anymore."

Industriousness

After I slept most of the evening on the sofa...

B:  "I shouldn't be this tired!"
M: "Well, you DID pull an all-afternooner."

Warranties

Discussing the fact that I seem to be falling apart - hip pain, low iron, high cholesterol...

M: "I should have asked for the extended warranty, or 'missing warranty insurance'."
B:  "I don't think you'd have been able to get that for a model as old as the one you have."
M: "Yeah, true. Especially since it's second-hand."

Wildlife I

Peeking over my shoulder as I'm writing to my mom and saying there's no German word for chipmunk because I learned years ago there are no chipmunks in Germany...

M: "I think they're called Streifenhörnchen."

Beth switches the Wikipedia article to German and finds "Streifenhörnchen".

B:  "I'll be damned. But they're not native to Germany! Why would there be a German word for them?"
M: "We also have a word for 'elephant' even though they are not native to Germany either..."

Resourcefulness

After I grumbled about being cold in bed and M discovered I was lying on my blanket instead of under it...

M: "I'm not laughing at you. I'm just not quite impressed with the less-than-adequate use of resources."

Sympathy I

I'm in the kitchen slicing onions, and M walks in.

B: "Do you know a way to prevent my eyes filling up with tears while cutting these darn things?"
M: "Yes. Cut faster."

Wildlife II

Several years ago, M came as a guest to my German class and my students interviewed him.

Student: "Mr. H., do you like animals?" 

M: "It depends on the sauce."

World History

Discussing history lessons in German and American schools...

M: "They (German 7th graders) are too young to have learned about WWII yet. That's heavy stuff, and they have to learn about WWI first."
B:  "Well, we cover World History in one year."
M: "Yeah, and you START with the Greeks!"

Chivalry

Martin comes in from outside on a hot day.

M: "You women..."
B:  "What??"
M: "I just watched an Amselmännchen* dashing about, bringing food to his wife."
B:  "Awww...Where?"
M: "By the Rhododendron."
B:  "So, she was fanning herself under the cool bushes while he ran about bringing her dinner?"
M: "Yes. In his BLACK suit!"

  *an Amsel is a blackbird.

Wildlife III

B:  "So there are penguins in Antarctica, but the polar bears are in the north, right?"
M: "Right."
B:  "Why is that?"
M: "I guess they don't like to travel."

Sympathy II

B:  "I'm cold."
M: "Oh, that must be...haaaarrrrrdd*. I could get the vacuum cleaner if you like."**

  *reference to "It's not about the nail". If you haven't seen that, search youtube. Worth it!

  **I've often commented that doing housework warms me up.

Mortality

B:  "I ache, I need reading glasses, I'm having hot flashes...Does it EVER end?"
M: "Oh, it does..."

Care for more?
Martinisms II
Martinisms III