Knock Knock

There was an informative article in this month’s state hunting magazine about how to handle a visit from the Waffenbehörde (weapon authorities). I’m blogging about this to show how differently gun ownership is handled in Germany. What’s it like in Wisconsin? There is no national gun registry and there are no laws about how to store guns as far as I know, so what I’m going to explain here will sound utterly foreign to American gun owners from the very first word.

The German gun law (Waffengesetz, or WaffG) allows certified officials to show up unannounced at your door – if you own guns – and check that you are complying with the law and properly storing them. There is a national gun registry in Germany, so authorities know where the legally owned guns are or should be.

At the same time, this is Germany, and spontaneity is not really a thing here. It's unlikely anyone from the Waffenbehörde would waste their time going from gun-owner-door to gun-owner-door on the off chance the gun owners are home. Of course, a spontaneous check is more to the purpose. If we're ever subject to one of these, I'll update this post.

Despite my title for this blog post, the article emphasized that the officials who come for this purpose have zero sense of humor. While Americans think Germans lack that anyway, this is really not a time for any attempt at being funny or getting them to smile.

Parts of this law changed after one school shooting in Winnenden in 2009. One.

What if the gun owner is not home?

If the gun owner is unavailable, the appointment must be rescheduled. The spouse or children of the gun owner are not permitted to even know the combination to the safe or the location of the key, so if they allow the authorities access to the guns, the gun owner has already gone against regulations and could risk the confiscation of his gun license, hunting license and guns. This, for instance, is one change in the law since the school shooting, in which the shooter knew how to get to his father’s legally-owned guns.

Rescheduling the appointment will not damage the gun owner’s *Trustworthiness* (one of the requirements for gun ownership), but repeatedly doing so could.

Identity of controllers

Just as with any visit to your home of a uniformed person requesting entrance, the gun owner should first check the I.D. of the controllers. If there’s any doubt after checking their badges or I.D. cards, the gun owner should call the Waffenbehörde (weapons agency) before letting them in.

Satisfied that the controllers are who they say they are, the gun owner should show them to the gun safe by the most direct path possible. They have no business in any other room or location in the house and are not allowed to search any other place or objects other than the gun safe.

Checks are not allowed to be made on Sundays or holidays, or between the hours of 22:00 and 6:00.

 

What will the authorities check?

1. the security grade of the gun safe
2.  that all guns registered in the owner’s WBK (gun license) and the ammo are stored according to regulations
3. that all guns are unloaded

It is legal in Germany for a hunter to borrow a gun from another hunter for up to a month without paperwork such as an Überlassungsvereinbarung. However, at the check if there is a gun in the safe that is not on the owner’s WBK and there is no paperwork, this will lead to questions and hassle. 

Proper storage of guns and ammunition

Depending on the type and number of guns and ammunition, these must be stored in a locked gun safe or case (the locked case is only for Luftgewehre or air guns). The gun safe, if purchased after July 6, 2017, must be a minimum of security grade 0. The guns must be completely unloaded, as in no ammo in the chamber or the magazine. 

The boxes of ammo may be stored in the safe with the guns as long as the safe is security grade 0 or 1.

 

Fee

Not only can the Waffenbehörde show up at your door unannounced to check that you are properly storing your guns, but they can also charge you for the experience. The federal law states that the fee has to be reasonable in regard to the tasks performed, but it does not state what the fee should be – that is determined by the county. In our county the charge is €50 + €5 per gun, with a maximum of €75.

And now for a little Aprilscherz fun, the article below appeared in the current April 1^st edition of Wild und Hund. In an attempt to reformulate “Waidmannsheil” to be more inclusive to hunters of all genders, the Gender Commissioner of the federal government has released a statement that the traditional hunter's greeting and congratulatory salute should be “Waidmenschheil!” from now on.

I totally fell for it, but M thinks it's an April Fool's prank. I guess we'll see two things in the next issue:

1. whether it was indeed a prank, and
2. how many people's heads exploded when they read this.

Flags and Patriotism

Interesting discussions often arise in my weekly English grammar and conversation classes at my husband's company. In this week's class we discussed (of course!) the World Cup, the welcome home celebration in Berlin, the various players and their antics, and the spirit of pride felt around Germany because of our team's victory, evidenced by the enthusiastic display of German flags all over. During the World Cup Germans (and German team fans) fly the flag out their windows, attach flags to their cars, trailers, semis, bikes, and motorcycles, wear team shirts, paint their faces, and put on all kinds of accessories like bracelets, earrings, hats, scarves, wristbands, and t-shirts.

But when the World Cup is over, even this year though the German team won, the flags disappear. The final match was on Sunday, July 13th, and when I went to the local store the next day I thought I could pick up a few extra trinkets with the German flag to keep as gifts or to give to my kids. The display of items that took up a whole corner of the housewares section had disappeared. That's it - World Cup over, German flags gone.* They'll come out again for the European Championship in 2 years.

Photo Credit: M. Hejl & J. Keckonen

In the English class we talked about this difference between Germans and their flag and Americans and theirs. One of the guys said he heard from a friend that in the U.S. the flag cannot be just thrown in the trash when it's old, tattered, or no longer needed, and he wondered if that is true. Yep. I went on to explain the parts of the flag code I could remember:

• The flag should never touch the ground.
• The flag should never be used to wrap, carry, or deliver anything.
• The flag should never be worn as a scarf, shawl, or blanket.
• The flag should only be flown in fair weather.
• The flag should be lighted at all times and should be taken down at night if there is no spotlight.
• The flag should be mended or cleaned as needed. 
• The flag should not be flown if it is tattered. If it cannot be repaired and is no longer a fitting symbol of the United States, it should be destroyed in a dignified manner, preferably by burning. There are organizations who will do this for you.
• The flag should never have any mark, figure, symbol, or drawing on it.
• The flag should never be used to cover a speaker's table, draped over a podium, or used as decoration.

They were quite surprised about those very specific rules, though I explained it's an honor code, not a law. There is another long list of rules for displaying the flag outside or inside and how it should be hoisted, lowered, folded, and stored.

I said that the flag is flown on or at every city, county, state, and national government building in the U.S., at all schools, most public libraries and other public buildings, at many grocery stores, restaurants (Perkins is known for flying a huge flag), businesses and banks, and in many people's yards or on their houses. This is all year 'round, but people really go nuts with the flag for the 4th of July. On that day and during the few weeks before and after it, you can't turn your head anywhere without seeing red, white, and blue. Those who don't display the flag are often seen as unpatriotic.

In contrast, in Germany private citizens who display the national flag may be considered overly patriotic. Few public or government buildings in Germany fly the German flag. Of course the main buildings of the national government display the flag (the Reichstag in Berlin, for instance), and perhaps the state government buildings in the state capitals as well. 

In our little town there are three tall flagpoles in front of the town hall. The two end ones usually display the Horb flag and the village flag. The middle pole sometimes displays a green flag advertising Horb as a Neckarstadt (city on the Neckar River), and sometimes it's empty. But during the World Cup, the German flag flew on the middle pole.

flag on left = Horb (the red and white shield)
flag on right = village flag with town crest (a plowshare and 2 roses)

One of the guys wondered during our class if the flag will remain there now, which in many ways makes sense! It's the town hall, after all - why not fly the national flag as well? 

The answer came today in our weekly local newsletter. There was actually a paragraph explaining almost sheepishly to the residents of our village why on earth the German flag is still up. My translation of the notice follows:

Display of Flag

During the World Cup the national flag was displayed to show support for our team. On Sunday, July 20th, 2014 is the [70th] anniversary of the July 20th Plot (the attempt to assassinate Hitler), and therefore the displaying of the national flag will be extended until this date.

Clearly, by Monday morning the national flag will be removed from the town hall.

Most Americans will find strange the way Germans handle flag flying, displaying, etc. (and vise versa). All during the welcome home festivities for the national soccer team, Sebastian Schweinsteiger had a German flag draped around his shoulders and tied like a cape, and no one had a problem with it. He even sat on it while he ate a snack. 

© APAweb / EPA, Daniel Naupold

This following picture appeared on social media before the Germany-Brazil walloping, and most thought it was clever. Anyone doing this to the American flag would have been shouted down by his neighbors, various local organizations, veterans, and the media, and probably the authorities would have gotten involved.

There are no rules that we know of regarding the handling of the German flag, except in military ceremonies. Germans don't salute their flag, they don't have patriotic parades, and private citizens do not generally fly the flag at their homes. We do have two neighbors who do, and the flags are usually tattered from the wind, rain, and hail. The flag is just a symbol here. It's not treated like an idol or a relic, but I've also never heard of it being burned by German citizens in protest of something. In fact I just read that burning or attempting to burn the German national flag is a punishable offense, unlike in the U.S. where that odd act is protected under the freedom of speech.

I don't mean to imply with this post that either the German way or the American way of handling the national flag is better - simply that it's different. If a German visits the U.S. and mishandles the flag, it's not out of disrespect but rather because Germans don't have the same flag code that Americans do. An American visiting Germany should not assume that Germans disrespect their country because they don't treat their flag with reverence.

*You will always be able to find trinkets, mugs, beer glasses, t-shirts, keychains, etc. with the German flag on them in cities and towns that are popular with tourists, such as Berlin, Munich, Heidelberg, Rothenburg o.d.Tauber, and Rüdesheim am Rhein.

Driving in Germany 5: Verkehrssünder!

A mere two weeks ago I wrote about how proud I was to have dared to drive all the way from our house to my mother-in-law's house in Esslingen. In a wildly ironic turn of events, my ego was dramatically deflated when, in the mail last Wednesday I received a love letter from the Bußgeldstelle (German authority in charge of fines) of the Landratsamt (administrative district office) of the Landkreis Böblingen (county of Böblingen), informing me that they caught me speeding recklessly on the B28 (highway) near Bondorf at 10:29 on June 9th.

I am now a Verkehrssünder. That is a real German word, and it translates to "traffic sinner."

This is my mug shot.

Yes, it took them two and a half weeks to get around to informing me of my crime, but give 'em a break - there were two holidays in there (Pentecost and Corpus Christi - which are both full days off here in the south) and a two-week break for Pentecost in which many families go on trips. Was I driving on the B28 on June 9th? Yes, I was. That was actually my very first drive on the Autobahn, though I didn't write about it. I drove home from the Stuttgart airport after Martin and I dropped off a friend. The mug shot was taken just after I exited the Autobahn and turned onto the highway that leads to our town.

Clearly I have to get better at seeing all signs on the roads in Germany. I surely would not knowingly speed (quite the opposite, actually - though most of this highway has a speed limit of 100 km/h, I hover between 80 and 90. That's fast enough for me.). Unlike many places on German highways and roads which don't have speed limit signs because drivers are supposed to know what the speed limit is based on the type of road they're driving on (and there IS a sign indicating what type of road it is - too bad they can't also add a speed limit sign for those of us who are mainly concentrating on not getting killed while merging), I'm sure there was a sign after I exited the Autobahn that indicated the Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung as:

It's a sensible speed limit for an area with on- and off-ramps, merging traffic, and a turn-off to a gas station. But I missed it, probably because I was trying unclench my fists from the steering wheel after those 25 minutes on the Autobahn. They clocked my wicked ass going 79 km/h, or rather that's what they're charging me with after the Toleranzabzug (permissiveness deduction). Nine km/h is equal to 5.5 mph. Wisconsin cops wouldn't even bother with that, but then again all they had to do here was snap my picture and mail me a letter rather than pull me over, check my license and registration, write a ticket, etc.. The missive included the relevant bank account numbers of the Bußgeldstelle, to which I was instructed to wire transfer €10 within one week. (€10 = $13.31) I briefly considered mailing them a photograph of this:

For the record, this is my first speeding ticket since 1988.  

And yes, the €10 taught me an important lesson, and I will go forth and sin no more.

Driving in Germany 4: I finally did it!!

The short version of today’s tale is that I drove all the way from our house to, into, and through Esslingen to get to my mother-in-law’s house and survived to write about it! This was a big step for me, because I truly hate driving over here. I love train travel, but it would admittedly be convenient if I could get over my terror. The problem isn’t that our car has a manual transmission – my Jetta in Wisconsin was stick-shift, too. It’s really more about a debilitating fear that Death is waiting for me in the form of an oncoming or merging Audi, Mercedes, or 18-wheeler. I also naturally do not want to screw up on the road and cause an accident that would inconvenience someone else’s plans for the day.

The whole experience was probably harder on my husband, who was sitting in the passenger seat and apparently had a phantom brake pedal at his feet as well as a door handle that doubled as a steering joystick. He first started a bit when I didn’t stop quite soon enough for his taste as I was backing out of the driveway and our park-assist-beepy-thing changed to a solid buzz. I only looked at him askance – I do this four times a week. THIS part, I can handle. So on we went.

I’ve driven the stretch from our house to the on ramp near Ergenzingen enough times that this was no big deal. And since this was Sunday, driving on the Autobahn wasn’t much of a problem either because trucks are not allowed on the Autobahn on weekends (which is why I chose today to see if I could make it to his mother’s house). I still had to navigate around Wohnwagen (campers) and buses while avoiding getting in the way of Porsches, Mercedes, and Audis peaking over the horizon in my rearview mirror, but at least there were no big trucks. Every five miles or so I had to unclench my fists from the steering wheel (one at a time, of course), shake out my knuckles, and check the cramps in my ankles, but happily I never actually lost feeling in any limbs.

In Wisconsin, for the most part everyone travels within a 10- or 15-mile speed zone – say, between 60 and 75 on the freeway and between 55 and 65 on highways. You get the odd nut from Illinois now and then, but generally the cars are going at predictable speeds. Here in Germany, especially in the sections of the Autobahn where there is no speed limit, you might have one car in the far right lane going 80 km/h (50 mph), a car in the middle lane going 120 (75 mph), and one in the right lane strolling along at 220 (132 mph). I learned today that I really like the zones in which the speed limit is 100 (62 mph), and I am also ok going 120 (75 mph). For about 13 seconds I tried 140 (87 mph), but then returned to a more reasonable speed.

There came a time when I wanted to get around a Wohnwagen, and I asked Martin if I had enough time before our exit. He said, “You still have 15 kilometers.” I silently wondered at what point I should tell him that “kilometer” really doesn’t mean shit to me. I’m bad at judging distances anyway, even in miles. But double-digits sounded safe enough, so after making sure there was not one single car anywhere in my rearview mirror, I sped up to 120 and passed the slow-moving vehicle.

The real fun began when we approached Esslingen. As we neared the city and my heart took on a new rhythm (changing from “nervous bunny” to “freaked out hummingbird”), I started to wonder if I should throw in the sponge and pull in to the McDonald’s we visited in 1998 (the last place I knew where I could pull over) to let Martin take the wheel. I only told him later what I was thinking: “Well, I don’t think I’m actually going to throw up; I just feel a little ‘off’. To hell with it! I can do this!” A new wave of nausea hit as I shot past the McDonald’s and headed for the steep drop around hairpin curves into the heart of downtown Esslingen.

So driving down into town, the speed limit around each hairpin curve was clearly marked: 20 km/h (12 mph). I dutifully slowed down, glad no one was behind me, and cautiously navigated the curve. This felt unusually slow, to be honest, and I almost asked Martin about it since I don’t remember him ever driving that slowly on this road even in the winter. But maybe it feels different in the passenger’s seat. He didn’t say anything, so I just kept on at 50 in the straight stretches, and 20 in the hairpin curves. Fast forward three hours to the three of us sitting on his mother’s balcony discussing the drive, and when I mentioned the speed limit in the curves was 20, Martin said, “Bei Nässe.” Oh. I didn’t see that part of the sign. Here it is:

 “Bei Nässe” means “when it’s wet.” It was a beautiful sunny day and the roads were bone dry.

Yeah, that’s the fun with German road signs. I like red. Red says, “Pay attention to what’s in this red circle!” But apparently I have to also take the time to read all the auxiliary shit on any signs attached to the main sign. I passed three signs telling me to go 20 around these curves, but never once saw the “bei Nässe” signs, which Martin assures me were attached to each one of them.

So then we drove on the “ring” that curves around the Altstadt, and headed up the cliff leading to his mother’s home. This is a 1½-mile stretch of steep, narrow, windy streets with cars parked on at least one side (sometimes both), buses and bicyclists coming in either direction, no stop signs, and cars occasionally coming from a road to the right to which I have to yield despite the lack of signs. All the other 348 times I’ve been in a car driving up those roads to her house, I’ve offered a silent prayer thanking my Maker that I did not have to be the one driving. (One winter Martin was driving up there, and two of the roads leading to her house were so slippery with freshly frozen rain that his car just slid right back down again.) The parked cars on each side of the road create a kind of slalom course which is all kinds of fun when an oncoming car approaches.

Though he was sweating, had a strained look on his face, kept banging at his phantom brake pedal and grasping his door handle, Martin did quite well. He knows I appreciate it if he tells me when I’ve missed a speed limit sign or when I’m in the wrong gear, and he gives me plenty of warning when I need to change lanes. But he drove home, and we both enjoyed the drive much more.

I’d like to say I’m looking forward to my next stint behind the wheel, but I’m not. Still, I made it over this frightening hurdle and it’s now behind me. I have several other challenges awaiting me:

  Driving back from Esslingen

  Driving to or from Esslingen on a week day

  Driving into and parking in a parking garage

  Driving out of a parking garage

  Driving to and from a place other than Esslingen

  Driving in a big city (Esslingen has only 90,000 inhabitants)

  Driving with the radio on or a passenger talking

  Overtaking a slow car on a two-lane road (I have already overtaken a tractor and a bicycle…)

Just for some extra fun, have a look at this photo. Do you spot the signs telling you that there is no longer a speed limit and you can drive as fast as your car can go? 

Please note: I took this photo (and the following) on the way home
 while Martin was driving.

What do you mean, "No?"! Click on the photo - it will get bigger. See them now? Oh, you think it doesn't matter because you wouldn't be driving that fast anyway? Oh, Dearie, it DOES matter. In these zones, keep your ass out of the far left lane if you value your and your passengers' lives. If you get stuck behind some slow guy, just stay the hell behind him. Oh, and don't pass on the right. It's illegal.

Take this example:

See the bumper of the car on the left? If it is going slower than Martin wants to go right now, despite the open hole in front of both of us and in all four lanes, Martin cannot pass him - at least not legally. He has to brake and hope that the other driver will notice that he doesn't belong in the passing lane, and merge right. Then Martin can merge left and get around him. In this particular instance, that car was passing us at some wicked speed. I just wanted to take a picture of how nice the Autobahn can look on a Sunday afternoon without trucks.

Annie, got your...?

I work with an organization that promotes international understanding through a summer exchange program for middle school students in Esslingen and Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Six seventh grade students from each city are chosen from a list of applicants and matched according to interests and personality and are accompanied by an adult chaperone from their city. The American students first come to Esslingen for three weeks, and then the whole group flies to Wisconsin together to spend three weeks there. The leaders plan fun and interesting activities for the group and they also have plenty of free time to spend with their host families seeing what life in the other country is all about. These young people have the chance to learn about and experience the similarities and differences of our two cultures.

On both sides of the big pond the leaders have preparation meetings to inform the students and their parents about the things they should know about traveling internationally, hosting a foreign student, making a good impression as a foreign student, and what to expect in various situations like ordering in a restaurant, riding public transportation, going shopping, and attending school for a day or two. I truly enjoy these informational sessions and have had the opportunity to address American students about what to expect in Germany, and more recently to talk to the German students about what to expect in the U.S..

One topic which has thankfully not come up is of gun laws/use/prevalence in Wisconsin. This is a significant difference between everyday life in Germany and in the States.

Here in Germany citizens are not allowed to own guns unless they are hunters (which is a very expensive hobby here) or sport shooters belonging to a shooting club or team. Gun owners are required to pass a safety test, prove that they have an approved reason for owning a gun (and "protecting my family" doesn't work; that's why God gave us baseball bats and big knives), acquire a license and register the gun as well as store the weapon in a locked gun cabinet when it is not in use. Random checks are conducted, and the gun owner will lose his license and weapon as well as pay a stiff fine if the weapon is found in, say, the corner of his living room or under his bed. There are also specific laws about how the gun must be transported while en route to a competition or hunting ground.

That's what Germans are used to and what they understand. I have yet to meet a German who feels oppressed because he does not have ready access to weapons, though I know several who would own one if they could.

Is there crime here and gun violence? Yes, some. Have there been any school shootings in Germany? Yes. In the last 100 years there have been nine that I know of*, resulting in a total of 49 deaths not counting the gunmen. Just as a matter of comparison (and yes, I know the U.S. is 27.5 times as large as Germany), the Washington Post reported in February, 2014 that there were 44 school shootings in the U.S. in the first 14 months after the massacre in a Newtown, CT elementary school which led to the deaths of twenty 5- and 6-year-old children. I tried to look up the number of school shootings in the U.S. in the last 100 years, but there were too many to count. You can google the list - it has its own Wikipedia page ("List of School Shootings in the U.S."), which scrolls and scrolls and scrolls.

I'm glad parents haven't asked me much about the possible exposure to guns during their three weeks in the U.S., because I'm a terrible liar and don't make empty promises. I have never been personally shot at, but my children were in a neighbor friend's home while the father was downstairs cleaning his hunting rifle, which went off and shot a bullet into the basement ceiling. The children were upstairs. No one was injured, though the father did reportedly need to change his pants after he ran upstairs to see if he had killed either of his children or mine.

The only honest answer I could give parents is that we will do everything we can to keep them safe. But guns are a part of life in the Wild West United States, including Wisconsin.

"Will there be guns in their host families' homes?"
Quite possibly.

"Will the guns always be locked up?"
Perhaps, but it's not required. The 5-year-old who shot and killed his 2-year-old sister  in Kentucky in 2013 was playing with the rifle he received for his birthday, which the parents, who were busy doing something else, "thought was in a safe spot." That spot was in a corner of their living room. But, as they said, "It was  God's will," and they were comforted to know that their daughter went to a better place.

"Are they safe in school?"
Possibly. The politicians (especially those slobbering at the heels of the NRA) and principals will tell you they are. In the last hundred years there have been too many school shootings to count, but most Americans will tell you it's not a common occurrence. Oh, in Wisconsin no one is allowed to have a gun within 300 meters of a school, and although some politicians are trying to change this, teachers in Wisconsin are not yet armed while at school. Therefore at this point teachers are not able to get into the gunfight if a crazed shooter enters a Wisconsin school. But they are working on it to make our kids safer.

"Are they safer in a small town or subdivision than in a big city?"
Not necessarily. A German exchange student was shot dead in a quiet community of Missoula, Montana in April, 2014 when he entered an open garage late at night and the homeowner was lying in wait for an intruder. Granted, the boy shouldn't have entered the garage, but in the U.S. you have to understand that if you go somewhere you shouldn't, you can be shot by just about anybody. This particular homeowner is claiming the Castle Doctrine as his defense (of course he's pleading not guilty), which seems to mean that a person can blindly shoot multiple rounds into the dark without warning if someone falls into the trap he set (open garage door, wife's purse as bait).**

"What are the gun laws in Wisconsin?"
Oh, they are quite strict. For instance, although a license is not required to own or use a rifle, shotgun, or handgun, one does need a $31 permit to hide the weapon in his pocket, backpack, or satchel when he goes shopping. If he carries it openly and visibly, then he does not need a permit. He also needs to sit around and wait for 48 hours after he passes the background check** (which takes somewhere between 30 seconds and 6 minutes to pass) before he can take possession of the weapon. An aspirant gun-wielder who was born on or after January 1, 1973 needs to show proof that he completed a gun safety course, but as long as he (or she) is older than that, no safety course is required.

**Update: in June, 2015 Governor Walker signed a bill removing the 48-hour waiting period for buying a gun. 

Guns are available - also in pretty pink or blue colors to appeal to children - in almost any sporting goods store, but the scary-looking ones are kept behind a glass case or counter.
A convicted felon is not allowed to purchase, own, or use a gun in Wisconsin, and so far machine guns are not allowed at all. Although a person whose sanity is questionable may own and use a firearm, that right will be revoked if he or she commits a felony such as murder or is committed to a mental institution and ordered by the court not to possess a firearm.
One more strict law to mention: unlike in the state of Iowa, visually impaired (blind) people may not own and handle guns in Wisconsin - except for hunting.  Sorry, scratch that. People who are legally or completely blind may purchase and carry guns in public in Wisconsin. No "proof of sight" is needed as it is in some other states (it would be unfair and discriminatory to require a person who cannot see to produce something that a sighted person doesn't have to produce). But don't worry. Chris Danielson, Director of Public Relations for the National Federation of the Blind, said "Presumably they're going to have enough sense not to use a weapon in a situation where they would endanger other people, just like we would expect other people to have that common sense." So as long as everyone can be trusted to use their common sense, we shouldn't have any trouble.

Click here or here for links to comprehensive sites about gun laws in Wisconsin.

"Come on. Is it really that easy to get a gun?"
In June 2013 I went to a sporting goods store in Sheboygan to find out. I told the enthusiastic salesman that I have never touched a gun and know nothing about handling, cleaning, loading, or shooting a gun, but I was wondering if I could buy one anyway.

 "Sure! What kind of gun are you looking for?"
 "I don't know because I don't know anything about guns."
 "Why are you looking for one? Home protection?"
 "Sure, let's go with that. Do I need a permit?"
 "Nope! You just need to choose one, fill out this form, and after the background check comes back, you wait 48 hours
  and the gun is yours."**
 "Should I take a safety course or something like that?"
 "It's not a bad idea, but if you were born before 1973, you don't have to."

**Update: The waiting period in Wisconsin was repealed in 2015. Now there is no waiting period.

He started to show me a few options, starting with one that looked to me like a big, black monster of a thing that I would expect to see strapped to the back of a soldier in combat gear.

 "This one is pretty popular for home protection."
 "Nice. NO, thank you, I don't want to touch it."

I assure you, German readers, I am not making any of that up.

And yes, before I left the store, I found the display of pink and blue handguns intended for children. After all, if they start early with pretty weapons, they'll be more responsible when they're older. I've always wondered why Wisconsin kids have to wait until they are 16 to drive a car. Wisconsin kids can hunt at age 10 if they have an adult with them, so why not let them start learning to drive then, too, or at least steer if they're not tall enough to reach the pedals.

"Do you feel safe in Wisconsin?"
I suppose so, because I don't think about it much. I have never been threatened by a gun-wielder, and in my 44 years of living there I don't recall ever seeing a gun except in the holster of a police officer and the one a friend used to shoot at ducks that came into her yard (which I think was frowned upon if not illegal).  I do not, however, like so many of my Landsleute, subscribe to the notion that the more guns we have on the streets, in pockets and purses, in the hands of non-hunters, under our beds, in living room corners, garages, and classrooms, the safer we all are. I am happy to be living here in Germany.

Photo by Derek Skey

Now this chocolate egg with potential choking hazard surprise toy inside? This is not allowed to be sold in the United States because it could present a danger to children. Apparently the NCEA (National Chocolate Egg Association) doesn't have strong enough support, and sadly there is no constitutional amendment guaranteeing our God-given right to bear chocolate eggs. Damn.

*The result of one of the shootings not far from Esslingen in 2009 was that the father, who was a member of the local shooting club and legally owned 15 guns but kept the Beretta his son used in the school massacre under his bed, was indicted with involuntary manslaughter and negligent homicide because he had chosen not to store his 15th gun properly and according to law. He voluntarily gave up his gun license and the other 14 guns were confiscated. The father received a suspended sentence of 1 year and six months.

**After the lawyer got involved, the killer's story changed a bit. His garage door was not left open as a trap, but rather because he and his wife smoke and wanted the garage door open in the middle of the night for ventilation. And the purse wasn't put in the garage as bait, as the wife told police at first. It was placed in a part of the garage that was not visible from the street. Who consciously leaves her purse in an open garage at night??

Baby Names: There's a LAW for that??

Even Germans grumble about the fact that there seems to be a law in Germany for everything. Their cars have to go to the TüV for a check-up every two years. They can't disturb the peace by mowing their lawns or tossing bottles in recycling containers on Sundays or holidays. From April through September, renters may only grill once a month on their balcony or terrace. They may not cut down their hedges or trees between March and October because of the disruption to birds' nesting habits. And there is an institution which checks and validates their selection of names for their babies.

The Gesellschaft für deutsche Sprache (GfdS), which translates to "German language Association," is responsible for ensuring that parents are using their heads when they name their children. A name that is chosen and submitted by parents for a birth certificate can actually be rejected, and thank goodness for the children's sake.

The American actress Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple in 2004. I just read that several unfortunate children were named Hippo, Jedi, Burger, Mango, and Thunder in 2012. That would not fly here in Germany. Parents need to give their children names for humans, not fruits, trees, weather conditions, or wildlife.

The following conditions must be met before for the GfdS to approve a name selected for a baby:

1. The well-being of the child is of utmost importance (Asswipe would not work, even if it's pronounced
   "oz-WEE-pay").
2. The gender of the child must be clear through the name (Chris doesn't work, because that could be Christine or Christopher).
3. The name must come from a serious source (Superman doesn't work. Even though that's a recognized name, it's a name from a comic book, which is not a serious source.).
4. The name must resemble a real name for a human (Apple doesn't work because it's a fruit).

Regarding the gender of the child, Apfel (Apple) actually should be allowed, since because of the crazy German gender-based nouns, Apfel is clearly masculine. But since Apfel/Apple would break all of the other regulations, it has no chance as a name here.

The most common names for 2013 did not change much from previous years. Variations of Sophie and Maria take up the first five slots for girls' names followed by Emma and Hannah/Hanna, and Maximilian is back at #1 for boys followed by Alexander, Paul, and Luca/Luka. Names from our grandparents' generation are making a comeback, and Islamic names are gaining as well.

The following names, however, were rejected:

• Maybe
• Danger
• Superman
• Störenfried (Troublemaker)
• Motte (Moth)

I'm sorry, but...WTH???  What is wrong with those parents? Do they not think ahead?

"Come here, Maybe!"  "If you don't eat your peas, Maybe, you won't get dessert."  "I love you, Maybe."

Parent hollering for lost child at EuroDisney: "Danger?  Danger!? Where are you?!  DANGER!!!"

Policeman to witness: "Did you see who the driver was?"  "Yes, Officer. It was Superman." 

On the phone: "Hello, Herr Schmidt. This is Troublemaker. May I speak with your daughter?" 

"Hello, Mr. Future Employer. My name is Moth."

The institution is, however, not infallible. In 2013 one couple requested "Yoda" for their child, and it was accepted. Strangely, this is almost appropriate, since Yoda's word order is occasionally a bit like German:

Normal German: "Klug bist du nicht."                Yoda in English:  "Smart are you not."

But seriously, that poor kid better not turn out to be short or have big ears, or he's in for a childhood of horror.